“And often the result of daring greatly isn’t a victory march
as much as it is a quiet sense of freedom mixed with a little battle fatigue.”
~ Brené Brown
When we last left our Heroine she had just Stood Up For Herself and sent a strongly worded e-mail to the Powers That Be at her job about a Situation that left her feel small and cornered. Writing about it made her Feel Better, but still she was nervous that her Words had made one too many Waves and although she couldn’t quite pinpoint any particular Bad Things that might happen as a result, she still spent a lot of time Worrying, because that is what she is good at.
She expected to hear Something the next day – anything really. It wasn’t until the very end of the day, almost 5pm, that she got an e-mail from One of the Three supervisors. The One told the Heroine that she Agreed with her points, said they were Well Stated and Appreciated. The Heroine breathed a big sigh of relief. Then Two of the Three supervisors sent her an e-mail saying pretty much the same thing, but also that the Heroine is Really and Truly Valued.
And then it was the weekend. No supervisors physically at the job, however part of the Heroine’s job is that she must consult by phone and Two was the supervisor on duty. The Heroine was nervous to consult with him on her case, but it had to be done. And after the consulting, Two thanked her, again, for her Brave e-mail. He said she gave him A Lot To Think About and promised they would talk about it Further. The Heroine was bolstered, but still, Afraid. This is all such new, Uncharted territory.
Monday came and went, They were very busy, there was no Conversation. But on Wednesday, our Heroine was called to what always feels like The Principal’s Office. There was a Conversation. Two and Three of the supervisors were there. They were very Appreciative of the Feedback. Two expressed that He felt bad about the position the Heroine was put it, and very Bad when the Heroine made her point about not having Earned Time as a per diem and the Difficult Choice she had to make between earning money and self-care. He said they were trying to be Transparent in their decision making. While the Heroine appreciates the sentiment, the unintended Consequence is that the Heroine felt she was being asked to put herself first, or put others first. This is a Very Hard Position for the Heroine to be in. This is something the Heroine is working on. Her Magnum Opus, if you will.
Nothing can be changed. The Position is still going to the Annoying and Less Qualified person. However, they threw the Heroine a Bone. The Full Time Position that the Annoying and Less Qualified person left, to take the Part Time Position that our Heroine wanted, is available. The Supervisors told her it would be hers For The Taking. No interview, no competing, Hers. Free and Clear.
Now our Heroine must do a lot of Maths and place a value on her time with the Smallest of the Small Ones. Complex Algebra indeed.
While in The Meeting with Two and Three, Two first said “I agree with your e-mail, well, not everything, but I’m not going to debate points because that’s not what this is about”. The Heroine was stuck there in that sentence. She didn’t ask Two to elaborate. She didn’t ask What He Meant. In her head she Decided he was referring to the part where she called herself the Most Qualified person for the job. In her head she Decided that he doesn’t think this is True. In her head she decided This Matters.
Our Heroine was stuck There all the rest of the day Wednesday and most of yesterday. She believed that it Mattered what Two thought, that it Mattered that he didn’t think she was the Most Qualified person for the job, that it Mattered that she might have been Wrong and made herself out to be Bigger than she really is.
But then a Question came to Her… does it really Matter at all? So what if she was Wrong a little or even a lot? The overall Sentiment they gave was Gratitude for her using her Voice. She was the one they wanted to hire, Most Qualified or not. To resolve personnel issues they hired a person who is decidedly Annoying and Less Qualified than our Heroine. That’s it.
At the end of all of this it really isn’t about who was Chosen and who was not. It’s about the Heroine using her Voice and using it Again and Again, even if she is Wrong, even if she isn’t Quite Right, even if she is Emotional, even if she is Angry, even if her Voice shakes. Even if.