I need duct tape to string any thoughts together. So many anxiety triggers came flying at me this afternoon that I’m a little paralyzed. I get that way. Too many things, too close together, too much fear and I’m left standing frozen while everything else keeps happening around me. People still need me, children need tending and feeding, I need tending and feeding, words need writing, laundry needs folding, and I need unsticking. Ironic isn’t it, how stuck I feel when things start to come unglued.
And yet none of what happened today was life altering. None of what happened is within my control. It doesn’t even make sense to get worked up or invested or let my anxiety go spinning because no matter what I do, there’s nothing I really can do.
I’m not so great at the Whack-A-Mole that is life sometimes, in case that wasn’t clear.
The part that gets me the most, that stays with me when things blow over, is how I react to the constants, the things not coming unglued, the people not directly related to the trigger. I snap, I’m short, I come from a defensive place even though I’m not being attacked (by them). The guilt and shame over that makes it harder for me to come out of that stuck place.
I know this post is disjointed and messy, but that’s okay because I feel pretty disjointed and messy right now.
This is my real, this is my day, and these are the words that came out when I whittled 15 minutes out of the evening while dinner is cooking. It might be all I get. I’m trying not to be disappointed that this is all I have to give. I’m trying not to judge myself, a skill I’m entirely too good at. I’m trying to embrace every moment, even, and maybe especially, the ugly, sharp, messy ones.
I’m trying to remember the quiet morning we had while I snoozed on the couch and the kids played and watched TV. I’m trying to appreciate the visit we had with friends we haven’t seen in a while, while fat wet snow teased us outside. I’m trying to be grateful that the Man washed and dried the laundry and came home a little early from drill today and started dinner.
I’m trying. It’s the sum of what I can do right now and it’s enough. It has to be.