The trouble with being in a relationship with a woman for 10 years and having two kids, one borne of each of your uteri, means that some people get a little confused. Some of them seem to think that they can’t possibly accept your family at face value without understanding the vast mystery of lesbian relationships. (Spoiler alert: there is no mystery.)
Tig and I were committed in every way. We had two children together – I grew one and she grew the other. The child I grew, Pip, is her son in every way. The child she grew, Hopper, is my daughter in every way. But seven years ago when we separated it was clear that people just couldn’t wrap their little heads around this lesbian thing. They got even more confused when I ended up with The Man and he and I had Mack together. Apparently me having a life and doing things other people couldn’t quite grasp made some of them completely lose control of their minds and their filters. These are real things people have asked and said to us over the years, further evading my hope for humanity.
1. Do Hopper and Pip have the same father?
Yes, sort of, in that THEY DON’T HAVE A FATHER. So yes, this non-person is the same non-person for both of them.
Two moms. One mom, the other mom. Two moms. It’s math. No other parents required. And also none of your business.
2. Will Tig keep Hopper?
You mean like forever in a locked tower somewhere? I think that’s illegal and just all around poor parenting. See: Rapunzel.
3. Will you keep Pip?
I don’t have a basement so I’m not sure where I’d exactly ‘keep’ him, but 50% of the time he will be at my house, with his SISTER, so I guess, sort of?
4. Do you let her keep Pip?
Well, she has a basement, but I think it’s pretty moldy down there and he’s kind of allergic to mold. I think she’s a little nicer than that and might keep him locked in a tower with his sister.
YES – he goes with his sister. Half the time with me, half the time with Tig. Two moms, not together, shared parenting, basic custody arrangement. Why is this so hard to grasp?
5. How come you don’t have Pip?
Because he’s with his other mother. We don’t live together anymore, in case you didn’t get the memo, which generally means parents share their time with their children. Besides, the velcro I had him attached to my hip with wore off.
6. How come Hopper is with you?
Because she’s my daughter and it’s my parenting time with her? Is this a trick question? Are we on Candid Camera?
7. Who’s the real mom?
Do you walk up to any other kids or parents and ask who the ‘real’ mom is? No, because it’s rude and irrelevant. You asking me who my child’s parents are when we’re clearly standing right here either means you are rude or you are having a stroke. So, are you an asshole or do you need me to call 911?
8. “This is Hopper, Danielle’s friend’s daughter”
Now, this stung. A lot. It was my grandmother so I didn’t run her over with my car and I know she LOVES Hopper to bits, she just really doesn’t grasp the lesbian/relationship/divorce thing at all. She’s 87, I decided to give her a pass. But anyone else who says any variation of this should make their final arrangements.
9. “We don’t think we should have to buy Christmas gifts for Hopper, we don’t really ‘consider’ her a grandchild”
This was said by my step-mother who can summarily go fuck herself. Seriously. My child doesn’t deserve love and connection because she’s not related to you biologically? Well Douchie Von Doucherson, I’m not biologically related to your stupid either and THANK GOD FOR THAT. Oh, and fuck off.
10. “How is Pip? How is Mack?… Next topic…”
Hey, guess what Dad? I have a daughter, you ass hat. I don’t give any shits whether or not YOU can bring yourself to stoop so low to have a relationship with the big, open hearted love that is Hopper. At the end of the day, she’s my daughter. She’s one of three specific humans on this planet that I would take a bullet for (and, in case you’re taking notes, you are not one of them). She is one of the most important people in my life and your dismissal of her and conditional acceptance of her based on genetics speaks VOLUMES about your character. I ain’t got no time for that bullshit.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go love up my kids, all THREE of them.