Yes, There ARE Stupid Questions


The trouble with being in a relationship with a woman for 10 years and having two kids, one borne of each of your uteri, means that some people get a little confused.  Some of them seem to think that they can’t possibly accept your family at face value without understanding the vast mystery of lesbian relationships.  (Spoiler alert: there is no mystery.)

Tig and I were committed in every way.  We had two children together – I grew one and she grew the other.  The child I grew, Pip, is her son in every way.  The child she grew, Hopper, is my daughter in every way. But seven years ago when we separated it was clear that people just couldn’t wrap their little heads around this lesbian thing.  They got even more confused when I ended up with The Man and he and I had Mack together.  Apparently me having a life and doing things other people couldn’t quite grasp made some of them completely lose control of their minds and their filters.  These are real things people have asked and said to us over the years, further evading my hope for humanity.

1. Do Hopper and Pip have the same father?

Yes, sort of, in that THEY DON’T HAVE A FATHER. So yes, this non-person is the same non-person for both of them.

Two moms.  One mom, the other mom.  Two moms.  It’s math.  No other parents required. And also none of your business.

2. Will Tig keep Hopper?

You mean like forever in a locked tower somewhere? I think that’s illegal and just all around poor parenting. See: Rapunzel.

3. Will you keep Pip?

I don’t have a basement so I’m not sure where I’d exactly ‘keep’ him, but 50% of the time he will be at my house, with his SISTER, so I guess, sort of?

4. Do you let her keep Pip?

Well, she has a basement, but I think it’s pretty moldy down there and he’s kind of allergic to mold. I think she’s a little nicer than that and might keep him locked in a tower with his sister.

YES – he goes with his sister.  Half the time with me, half the time with Tig.  Two moms, not together, shared parenting, basic custody arrangement.  Why is this so hard to grasp?

5. How come you don’t have Pip?

Because he’s with his other mother.  We don’t live together anymore, in case you didn’t get the memo, which generally means parents share their time with their children.  Besides, the velcro I had him attached to my hip with wore off.

6. How come Hopper is with you?

Because she’s my daughter and it’s my parenting time with her?  Is this a trick question? Are we on Candid Camera?

7. Who’s the real mom?

Do you walk up to any other kids or parents and ask who the ‘real’ mom is? No, because it’s rude and irrelevant.  You asking me who my child’s parents are when we’re clearly standing right here either means you are rude or you are having a stroke.  So, are you an asshole or do you need me to call 911?

8. “This is Hopper, Danielle’s friend’s daughter”

Now, this stung. A lot.  It was my grandmother so I didn’t run her over with my car and I know she LOVES Hopper to bits, she just really doesn’t grasp the lesbian/relationship/divorce thing at all.  She’s 87, I decided to give her a pass. But anyone else who says any variation of this should make their final arrangements.

9. “We don’t think we should have to buy Christmas gifts for Hopper, we don’t really ‘consider’ her a grandchild”

This was said by my step-mother who can summarily go fuck herself.  Seriously. My child doesn’t deserve love and connection because she’s not related to you biologically?  Well Douchie Von Doucherson, I’m not biologically related to your stupid either and THANK GOD FOR THAT.  Oh, and fuck off.

10. “How is Pip?  How is Mack?… Next topic…”

Hey, guess what Dad? I have a daughter, you ass hat.  I don’t give any shits whether or not YOU can bring yourself to stoop so low to have a relationship with the big, open hearted love that is Hopper.  At the end of the day, she’s my daughter.  She’s one of three specific humans on this planet that I would take a bullet for (and, in case you’re taking notes, you are not one of them).  She is one of the most important people in my life and your dismissal of her and conditional acceptance of her based on genetics speaks VOLUMES about your character.  I ain’t got no time for that bullshit.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go love up my kids, all THREE of them.


photo credit via photopin cc


4 thoughts on “Yes, There ARE Stupid Questions

  1. People who don’t want to love all the people who are willing and able to love them? Total mystery to me. My dad has no “reason” other than his untreated mental health cluster fuck of symptoms, and he never even expressed a desire to meet my child. He’s cut off my sister AND HER KIDS, too.

    Adults are supposed to be able to put aside their own petty bullshit in order to love and be loved by children. Fewer people qualify as adults than I expected. The motivation is pretty damn strong: the love of little kids! What could be better?! Which makes them childish enough to want to be right more than they want the love. Obviously, not even being able to see it that way just proves my point, further.

    The stepparent thing is also one that I know well. My stepmother made me her maid-of-honor and told me to call her parents Grandpa and Grandma. Then, as soon as there was conflict between me and my dad (like no one saw that coming?) she summarily stopped speaking to me. I really can’t imagine the other 3 stepparents in our lives (modern family!) pulling the kind of crap my stepmom has come up with. I can honestly say that I’m glad her parents died before they could see her betray everything THEY embraced.

    I’m sure that “the lesbian thing” complicates peoples’ thinking about family, but the reason I post this is that I think the root of the problem is people who can’t really do family. They don’t get it. Yes, they can go fuck themselves.

  2. Ergh, I can’t believe people sometimes. Not everyone needs to understand everybody’s family situations, they are so often complex! And that’s just how it is.

    I have a very complicated family structure. It’s wonderful and more people to love and share our lives with, no matter how messy it is.

    I’m sorry that people have said such rotten things to you, and treated you and your kids in such a way. It’s inexcusable.

    • Thank you, and you’re right, it is inexcusable. I’ve been making allowances for other people’s bad behavior my whole life. I’m so very done. Just leaves more time and space for people in my life who are able to love unconditionally.

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