Subjugation by Snack Food

The Doritos people are making special Doritos for women… or Lady Doritos, if you will. There’s just one thing…

Lady Doritos are not really for ladies.

They’re for the greater good.

You see, Lady Doritos have goals.

Lady Doritos don’t want you to get cheesy, salty, day glow orange powder all over your fingers. We all know the only thing more horrifying than seeing a person licking that tell tale reddish orange cheese dust from their fingers, is seeing a person with breasts and/or a vagina and/or any other culturally accepted characteristic of femininity sucking the last vestiges of a binge off her fingers. Oh no. Lady Doritos want you do be a real Lady.

Lady Doritos don’t want you to have to tip your head back like a ravenous Tyrannosaurus Rex to pour tiny chip dust into your waiting PMS hole. No, you must enjoy nothing fully. You must leave the broken remnants of your dignity on the bottom of the bag where they belong, unless you’re giving them to a man, who is, of course, welcome to do what he pleases with them.

Lady Doritos want to be a more resilient snack for tossing in our purses, because all ladies carry purses and worry about whether or not, like camels, they can fit more fuel into their humps for their lifelong journey through the desert of misogyny. Rejoice the capacity of women’s purses, may your Lady Doritos survive being wedged between broken crayons and your broken dreams. Lady Doritos want you to make it to your destination with your snacks fully intact so you can carefully use your pristine fingers to daintily extract them one at a time, mentally counting the calories of each bite.

Lastly, Lady Doritos want to be quieter, because if there’s anything worse than women talking, it’s women chewing.


photo credit: Hugo Martins Oliveira: Doritos (cc)

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