I didn’t choose any particular word that I wanted to set the tone for this year, but one seems to have chosen me.
Intentional… being mindful with my words, my energy and my actions… doing things with intention… not just because it’s the socially or culturally accepted thing to do… not because it will make someone else happy… and not avoiding things out of fear.
I have spent 40 years on a kind of auto-pilot, with so much of what I do borne of thought patterns and ways of being that were cultivated in an environment of uncertainty, conditional love, chaos and narcissism. Because my being is rooted in this tainted soil, living with intention is a lot harder than one might expect.
I’m not discouraged, not yet anyway.
This pull to do things with intention, to get off the co-narcissism hamster wheel, to live and breathe and think and speak in alignment with who I am, has far more to do with the upcoming culmination of my 40th trip around the sun than it has to do with the imaginary beginning of a new calendar year.
It’s been building, especially these past few months. I find I have so fewer fucks to give – and the fucks I do have to give are genuine and deep and, well, intentional.
My ability to see the truth in the blinding bullshitstorm of this culture is improving. So much of our media and healthcare system and political system is circus run by people who operate solely from a place of fear and narcissism. No change will ever happen as long as the people in power, regardless of their moral compass, perceive they have something to lose. That ‘something’ being money. It’s astounding really.
Essentially I’ve decided I’m not going be a team player anymore; at least not in the culturally accepted ideology of “team”. I’m going to do the best I can to be real, REALLY real. To be honest about my struggles and my joys, but not be defined by either. To honor, REALLY honor, who I am. To be, just be, without excusing or apologizing for my imperfectness.
We are all imperfect. All of us. Every person on this planet is inherently fallable. That is our humanity. That is what makes us beautiful multifaceted prisms of light. If we stay hidden in the darkness of fear, the fear of imperfection, we never get a chance to reflect the vibrant richness of our souls onto the world. We never get a chance to sparkle.
My intention is to stop apologizing for my humanity, to live fully, to accept and occupy this body completely, to own my thoughts and feelings, and to stop waiting for permission and looking for approval.
It’s time for me to sparkle.
“So don’t be afraid to let them show, your true colors,
true colors, are beautiful like a rainbow.”
~ Bill Steinburg and Tom Kelly, sung by Cyndi Lauper